Should you go back together? Even the noisiest unions, if only for the chance of a crazy love story, may be an enticing recovery. But before you're drawn to the immediate events and the potential drama, ask yourself these key questions before you say "yes" to your ex. The credit of is
1. Who are you and what do you want? It's important to really realize whether reuniting with your ex will put you on the path of becoming the person you want and having the life you want. " Connect with your real self and get a deeper understanding of who you are and what you are looking for in a very deep way. This key step is not so much about your ex as about you being very clear about what you want in your life and whether he or she fits that. When you reflect, really assess whether your ex has the qualities of the partner you really want. " Ask yourself: does being with this ex boyfriend make you feel small or unappreciated? Can you work with this person around you to achieve your goals? " Deborah Dooley, a licensed psychotherapist, said. If not, it's time to figure out how to heal the part of your ex that you still miss. "
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2. Do you all realize your mistakes? "If your ex didn't want to do the necessary treatment, don't think about going back, or you'll soon find yourself back on the same sinking Titanic," said relationship coach Cindy Sanson brav, author of why good people can't live without bad relationships. More importantly, you need to acknowledge your role in the breakup and understand where you've failed. " Ask yourself: have you ever done your inner work? Do you really think you have learned enough from this experience, can you go back there and try again? " Sansone Braff suggests. Now listen to this: "why is America's obsession with 'happiness' so stressful for us?
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have you fully expressed your feelings? "
openly expressing your fear, anger and lingering problems is the only way to rally in a healthy and efficient way and move forward." "When emotions, confusion, stress and tension disappear, you know you're expressing real feelings," said cognitive scientist Dr. Vijay ram. Anyway, once you "say it all" and feel relieved, a lot of information will come to the surface. You will also be in an area that is disconnected from the problem, where you can more clearly put the information in the right perspective and decide what is the best course of action. "
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4. What happened after you broke up? Maybe you joined the peace corps after breaking up with your ex boyfriend and got some badly needed outlook on life. Maybe your ex boyfriend got help with problems that bothered him or her (your relationship). Studying your time apart and how you grew and changed (or didn't change) will help you understand if you should get things started again. "[commitment] is easy, change is hard," said David Ezell, clinical director of Darien wellness, a counseling and health group that specializes in male psychology. Is the reason you broke up really different in a few months or a few years? " Find out, and you'll know if the relationship is worth pursuing again. The credit of
5. How long have you been apart? The actual time after you break up is also an important consideration. "If the answer to this question is' not long ', then you have to consider whether you two really broke up," said April Davis, a relationship expert and founder of luma, a luxury matchmaking service. If you're just going back and forth, your partner is not an ex boyfriend, but a participant in your drama. "Ouch. A good rule of thumb, Davis says, is that if you're separated more than 10% of the time, it's enough to think about getting back together. The credit: Kristina Jovanovic / iStock / gettyimages
6. How will you prevent yourself from returning to your old habits? If you unconsciously try to make things different the second time, the reason for breaking up may trouble you again. " "If you are loyal to the love of rebirth, you two should be able to keep in line on the way forward," Davis said. But if you let yourself slip or don't talk about the changes you want to make, you may suddenly return to the pattern of letting bad habits dominate your life.
for example, if you tend to talk more about your problems (or feelings). You may want to discuss the importance of oral communication rather than putting everything in your bedroom in order.
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7. If cheating is involved, will it happen? "[H3]
" although we all want to believe in people's ability to change, if there is infidelity in your relationship and you two are separated, you have to ask yourself: what are you doing to make sure it's no longer a question? " Davis said. This not only means that cheaters need to be willing to be transparent about their whereabouts, mobile phone use and other potentially dark areas of life, but also the cheated person needs to know what he or she needs to trust again. Warn against accepting the request of the cheater, and take him or her back without digging. " "If a man has fought monogamy in the past, I would be very curious about how he is prepared to make a commitment in three months," he said. What happened in more than 90 days and suddenly gave him a different view of commitment? " How to say your intuition? It's easy to be tempted back to your ex boyfriend, even though there's a voice inside that tells you it's a bad idea. Especially when you feel lonely or just don't want to be alone at a family party again. But beware of a controlling ex boyfriend trying to convince youRebuild the relationship, said Cindi Sansone Braff, relationship coach. Does your ex boyfriend want you back together? He or she is blaming you for what happened in the past. Do you know it's not your fault? Is the information your ex boyfriend gave you complicated? " She asked. Some people are just skilled operators. If you know that your ex was like this in the past, it's likely that your ex will be like this in the future. "Follow your intuition - don't walk away."
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9. Can you really forgive me? It's one thing to know what went wrong in your past relationship. It's another thing to admit your mistakes and really and truly put the past in the past. " If you feel that you can never forgive this person for his or her past actions, no matter what he or she has done, bringing this person back will never work. After a while, this person will be tired of bending back for you, will resent that you can't let go of the past and embrace the new life your partner wants to build with you. "If you tend to hold a grudge, knowing that you can't let go of your past grudges, don't even think about going back with your ex boyfriend, she suggests.
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10. What does it look like to be reunited? Before you take a risk, find out what your relationship is like and how fast you want it to go. " Ask: if you used to live together, would you move back? Are you dating? If you're dating, how often do you plan to meet? " Jim Sebold, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests. The more you understand your expectations, the less likely any of you are to be frustrated by the process. " In order to solve these logistical problems, he suggested that couples who were reunited should take part in psychological consultation together. In this way, there is an impartial person who can help you understand the situation and make you think and discuss potential problems, so as to make your new relationship successful.
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What do you think? Is it usually a bad idea to reunite with your predecessors? What do you need to rekindle your relationship with your ex boyfriend? Can people really change?
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